Author Topic: My mate  (Read 1444 times)

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Offline Maik

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My mate
« on: Thursday, 05 March, 2015 @ 04:40:59 »
An email I received from a pal:

I got sacked from the Salvation Army soup kitchen last night.
All I said was, “Hurry up you lot ........... Some of us have got homes to go to!”

So I went home and watched TV, then I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
“What would you like for tea, my love...... chicken, beef or lamb?”
“Chicken, please,” I said,
She replied, “You're having soup, you fat bastard. I was talking to the cat.”

It got worse when we went to bed. She wanted sex.
I reached for my liquid Viagra but accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Tippex.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

At breakfast she said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face......

I took solace in the bed of a young soup kitchen volunteer.
She said, "You've got the biggest willy I've ever laid my hands on."
I said, "You're pulling my leg."

I got home this evening and found the missus had left a post-it note on the fridge saying,
"It's no good, it's not working, I'm staying with mum for a while."
I opened it, the light came on, the beer was well chilled.
WTF was she on about?

Tonight my budgie broke his leg. I made him a little splint out of a Swan Vestas match.
When he took his first step his little face lit up.
I'd forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


Thanks to Rog for sending me that. Not that I'm suggesting any of that happened to Rog. I don't think he's got a budgie.
« Last Edit: Thursday, 05 March, 2015 @ 05:12:07 by Maik »

Offline Maik

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Re: My mate
« Reply #1 on: Sunday, 07 February, 2016 @ 15:26:01 »
Just possible you might not have heard some of these...

My mate's daughter's birthday coming up soon, she wants a pet spider.  So we went down to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this", he said, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

He asked his missus why there's loads of 5, 10 & 20 penny pieces out on the kitchen table. She suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. He reckons she's going through the change.

She's been missing a week now. Police told him to prepare for the worst. So he's been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Found him talking into an envelope the other day. Said he's sending her a voicemail.

We just got back from a mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

The bearers were wandering around for over an hour with the coffin. My mate reckoned they'd lost the plot.

After the funeral we all went to the pictures to cheer ourselves up. Ticket lady asked, "Why so many of you?" Mate replies, "It says 18 or over."

Had to call at an ATM first. Little old lady asked if he could check her balance. He gave her a push and she fell over.

He wasn't eating so I took some rocket salad round for his lunch. It went off before he ate it.

He's been checking the news to see if the police are after him. Seems they're hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who's stabbed six people in the butt in the last 48 hours. Mate reckons he must be following some kind of pattern.

He's off to start a new job in Seoul next week. Reckons it's a good Korea move.

He's hoping the pilot's not a female. What a sexist! I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the thing.

Offline Maik

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Re: My mate
« Reply #2 on: Friday, 10 November, 2017 @ 15:01:12 »
“Pray tell me, dear bar tender, what kind of jolly jape is this?”

That wasn't exactly what I said, but it was along those lines. My mate had dragged me down to the local Irish club last night to watch four scantilly dressed young women perform a string of their international best selling hits. Or so I thought.

Barman reckoned it was a good name for four vertically challenged old men, dressed head to foot in green and singing old Irish songs.



Edit: spelling typo
« Last Edit: Friday, 10 November, 2017 @ 19:43:40 by Maik »

Offline Misty

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Re: My mate
« Reply #3 on: Friday, 10 November, 2017 @ 17:56:12 »
“Pray tell me, dear bar tender, what kind of jolly jape is this?”

That wasn't exactly what I said, but it was along those lines. My mate had dragged me down to the local Irish club last night to watch four scantilly dressed young women perform a string of their international best selling hits. Or so I thought.

Barman reckoned it was an good name for four vertically challenged old men, dressed head to foot in green and singing old Irish songs.

After reading twice I finally got it and laughed out loud. Thank you Maik for cheering me up while suffering from a nasty cold :btu: