Author Topic: Merry Christmas  (Read 4966 times)

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Offline Maik

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Merry Christmas
« on: Sunday, 29 October, 2023 @ 19:53:15 »
I usually try not to mention the C word before the 1st December but thought I would pass on these thoughts in plenty of time in case anyone gets stressed about Christmas dinner.

I have concluded that the inevitable stress of Christmas dinner is created by adverts, supermarkets and TV chefs... It's a Sunday dinner for goodness sake. The only difference is that you are allowed to open a bottle of wine before you open the kitchen curtains. We do it quite happily 51 weeks of the year but can we the consumers be trusted to manage by ourselves on one day of the year? Apparently not. So here goes...

1. Turkey - It's a big fecking chicken, that's all. 20 minutes per lb at 180 degrees plus 20 minutes  - jobs a good 'un! Get yourselves a meat thermometer £3 off the Internet, poke it in the offending bird and if it says 75 degrees or over its cooked.

2. Stuffing - regardless of what Jamie Oliver says you do NOT need 2 lbs of shoulder of pork, onions, breadcrumbs, pine nuts and a shit load of fresh herbs to make stuffing....(no fecking wonder he's bankrupt if that's what he spends to make stuffing!). All you need is Paxo and a kettle. If you wanna liven it up squeeze three pork sausages out of their skins and mix that in with your Paxo before cooking .

3. Gravy - Jamie Oliver is copping for this one as well. I, nor anyone else I know, has got time on Christmas Eve to piss about roasting chicken wings and vegetables, adding stock and flour, cooking it for another half hour, mashing it all up with a potato masher and then straining the whole sorry mess to make gravy. Bisto, Jamie.... All you need is Bisto.

4. Vegetables -  Never mind fecking around shredding sprouts and frying them with bacon and chestnuts to make them more palatable. If you don't like the fecking things don't buy, cook and serve the fecking things. No-one's going to eat 'em. If your family only eats frozen peas then give 'em frozen peas.

5. Roast potatoes - Yes, I par boil mine then roast them in goose fat but so does Aunt Bessie.

6. Christmas pudding and mince pies - Aldi or Lidl. You do not need brandy butter  or rum sauce, etc, or anything else that costs a fecking fortune and takes 2 hours to make. If Birds custard is what your family likes on the damned things then that's fine.

7. Children - Feed the dear sweet little things separately first. If they only want turkey with tomato sauce, well, that's fine. Once they are fed send them off to play with the boxes their Christmas presents came in so that you can enjoy your dinner in peace. Merry Christmas.
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