Author Topic: My mate  (Read 6698 times)

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Offline Maik

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My mate
« on: Thursday, 05 March, 2015 @ 04:40:59 »
An email I received from a pal:

I got sacked from the Salvation Army soup kitchen last night.
All I said was, “Hurry up you lot ........... Some of us have got homes to go to!”

So I went home and watched TV, then I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
“What would you like for tea, my love...... chicken, beef or lamb?”
“Chicken, please,” I said,
She replied, “You're having soup, you fat bastard. I was talking to the cat.”

It got worse when we went to bed. She wanted sex.
I reached for my liquid Viagra but accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Tippex.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

At breakfast she said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face......

I took solace in the bed of a young soup kitchen volunteer.
She said, "You've got the biggest willy I've ever laid my hands on."
I said, "You're pulling my leg."

I got home this evening and found the missus had left a post-it note on the fridge saying,
"It's no good, it's not working, I'm staying with mum for a while."
I opened it, the light came on, the beer was well chilled.
WTF was she on about?

Tonight my budgie broke his leg. I made him a little splint out of a Swan Vestas match.
When he took his first step his little face lit up.
I'd forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


Thanks to Rog for sending me that. Not that I'm suggesting any of that happened to Rog. I don't think he's got a budgie.
« Last Edit: Thursday, 05 March, 2015 @ 05:12:07 by Maik »

Offline Maik

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Re: My mate
« Reply #1 on: Sunday, 07 February, 2016 @ 15:26:01 »
Just possible you might not have heard some of these...

My mate's daughter's birthday coming up soon, she wants a pet spider.  So we went down to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this", he said, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

He asked his missus why there's loads of 5, 10 & 20 penny pieces out on the kitchen table. She suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. He reckons she's going through the change.

She's been missing a week now. Police told him to prepare for the worst. So he's been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Found him talking into an envelope the other day. Said he's sending her a voicemail.

We just got back from a mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

The bearers were wandering around for over an hour with the coffin. My mate reckoned they'd lost the plot.

After the funeral we all went to the pictures to cheer ourselves up. Ticket lady asked, "Why so many of you?" Mate replies, "It says 18 or over."

Had to call at an ATM first. Little old lady asked if he could check her balance. He gave her a push and she fell over.

He wasn't eating so I took some rocket salad round for his lunch. It went off before he ate it.

He's been checking the news to see if the police are after him. Seems they're hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who's stabbed six people in the butt in the last 48 hours. Mate reckons he must be following some kind of pattern.

He's off to start a new job in Seoul next week. Reckons it's a good Korea move.

He's hoping the pilot's not a female. What a sexist! I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the thing.

Offline Maik

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Re: My mate
« Reply #2 on: Friday, 10 November, 2017 @ 15:01:12 »
“Pray tell me, dear bar tender, what kind of jolly jape is this?”

That wasn't exactly what I said, but it was along those lines. My mate had dragged me down to the local Irish club last night to watch four scantilly dressed young women perform a string of their international best selling hits. Or so I thought.

Barman reckoned it was a good name for four vertically challenged old men, dressed head to foot in green and singing old Irish songs.



Edit: spelling typo
« Last Edit: Friday, 10 November, 2017 @ 19:43:40 by Maik »

Offline Misty

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Re: My mate
« Reply #3 on: Friday, 10 November, 2017 @ 17:56:12 »
“Pray tell me, dear bar tender, what kind of jolly jape is this?”

That wasn't exactly what I said, but it was along those lines. My mate had dragged me down to the local Irish club last night to watch four scantilly dressed young women perform a string of their international best selling hits. Or so I thought.

Barman reckoned it was an good name for four vertically challenged old men, dressed head to foot in green and singing old Irish songs.

After reading twice I finally got it and laughed out loud. Thank you Maik for cheering me up while suffering from a nasty cold :btu:

Offline Maik

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Re: My mate
« Reply #4 on: Friday, 20 December, 2019 @ 03:51:28 »
Bought a really old looking oil lamp at a car boot sale for next to nowt. Took it home and gave it a clean. Low and behold, as he rubbed it a genie appeared.

"Bugger me", said my mate in complete shock and awe.

As he later reflected, it wasn't the best exclamation he could've made.

Offline expat

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Re: My mate
« Reply #5 on: Friday, 20 December, 2019 @ 13:31:01 »
I am going to miss my Grandfather this Christmas.
but i know he will be up there looking down at us all.
moaning about the broken stairlift!

Online TonyD

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Re: My mate
« Reply #6 on: Friday, 20 December, 2019 @ 14:31:25 »
Hello?
Am I in the right place?
This is the Age Related Memory Loss website, right?

Offline Alan

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Re: My mate
« Reply #7 on: Friday, 20 December, 2019 @ 17:37:03 »
Seriously, though, this time of year can be difficult for some of us old folk. If anyone knows of any older people spending Xmas alone this year, do please let me know. I really need to borrow some chairs.

Offline Misty

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Re: My mate
« Reply #8 on: Sunday, 22 December, 2019 @ 21:07:09 »
What with the time of year there are lots of chimney jokes about
and I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.
 :doh:

Offline Maik

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Re: My mate
« Reply #9 on: Wednesday, 21 July, 2021 @ 14:40:45 »
My mate was concerned his wife's hearing was deteriorating so he consulted the family GP. A simple test was suggested:

“Ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.

That evening, when his wife was in the kitchen cooking, my mate decided to give it a try.

He stood in the doorway of the kitchen and asked;

“What’s for dinner dear?”

No answer. He moves closer.

“What’s for dinner dear?”

Still no answer. He moves even closer.

“What’s for dinner dear?”

Still his wife didn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.

“What’s for dinner dear?”

“FOR THE FOURTH F*CKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”

Offline Maik

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Re: My mate
« Reply #10 on: Wednesday, 17 November, 2021 @ 16:40:04 »
My mate's got a temp job with the Forestry Commission, he's cutting down Christmas trees ready for the market. I asked how many he'd chopped down so far.

"427"

"Blimey", I said, "how can you be so precise?"

"Ah", says he, "I keep a log".

:x-wink:


Offline Maik

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Re: My mate
« Reply #11 on: Saturday, 23 April, 2022 @ 18:02:32 »
My mate takes two very old and tatty stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow. "Wow", said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed. Any idea what they'd fetch if they were in good condition?"

So my mate says, "Sticks."


Offline Maik

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Re: My mate
« Reply #12 on: Tuesday, 10 May, 2022 @ 17:26:58 »
My mate Yiannis and his girlfriend were going though a rough patch. It came to a head during a meal with both sets of parents so Yiannis cleared his throat before mustering up the courage to say, "Angela, I believe that we need to break up. I'm sorry, but it just isn't working out between us anymore."

"How can you say that, Yianni?!" Angela replied. "Don't you remember everything that we went through together?!"

Angela then asked her father, who's sat next to her, "Dad, when Yiannis here was getting stressed out from university, was I there for him?"
"Yes," he replied.

"And Mum, when Yiannis had a hard time finding a job for many months after graduation, was I there for him?"
"Yes dear," her mother replied.

Angela then turned to Yiannis' parents. "Mrs. Papakalos, when Yiannis was evicted from his flat and had nowhere else to go, was I there for him?"
"Why yes, Angela. Yes, you were."

"And Mr. Papakalos, when your son broke a leg and took months to recover, was I there for him?"
Mr. Fletcher silently nodded.

"See?" Angela said to Yiannis.

Somewhat shocked by her reasoning, Yiannis turned to his father.

"Papa, what do you think?"

After pondering everything that had been said, his father replied ……….…



"Sounds to me as though Angela has brought you nothing but bad luck!"


Offline Maik

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Re: My mate
« Reply #13 on: Wednesday, 18 May, 2022 @ 02:46:28 »
My mate reckoned he ought to tell his mates so he made a list of who to write to.
(warning - some are 'adult' in nature. Well, actually they're more schoolboy, but you get the picture).

Starting with a well known and liked Kefalonian name:

Rob Bowler
Tom Bowler
Olive Oyle
Rose Bush
Sandy Shaw
Sonny Daize
Teresa Green
Justin Time
Carole Singer
Jack Pott
Jo King
April Schauer
Holly Wood
Liz Raynes
Tuesday Knight
Willow Batt
Ray Gunn
Kit Bagg
Pearl Arber
Penny Blacke
Robin Banks
Ray Vaughn
Marion Kinde
Crystal Balls
Dick Head
Buster Highman
Phil McCaverty
Mike Rotch
Hugh G Rection
Mike Hunt
Hugh Jarse
Jenny Taylier
Ben Dover
Connie Lingus
Nora Titzov
Vi Braytor
Ava Koch
Willy Rechter
Rhoda Tarte
Ivor Biggun
Fanny Dyver
Joy Ovseks